Sabotage Myself

Doing well
but

hell
bent

on my own

destruction

I

find myself

alive

but

then proceed
to

make
death a certainty

Why

I sabotage

my

self

I'll never
know

Afraid of failure

but

terrified
of success

Stuck

in the middle

Drowning
myself

in mediocrity

Abhorring

my

talent
and loathing

my waste


What I

could

be
I'd

never know

What I

would

be
I'll

never show

Why do I

hate

the very object
of

my desire

Why
do

I
lay siege

to my

dreams

My

heart
subverted

by
my mind

Blackmail

I attack

my own

character

and
undermine

my

potential

The

essence

of my

passion
I destroy

Tell me why
that

I
Sabotage Myself

Abandonment isn't...

Abandonment isn't
always physical be-
cause if it were then
you could do some-
thing aboout it.

Sometimes the things
that you can't see
are the most painful.

Often we are scared
by things that only
exist in our imagin-
ation.

The only thing to
fear is fear itself.

But why do we run
from the unknown?

Pretend that we're
brave, when we are
nothing but scared.

Think we're something
and nothing we become.

the masquerade

alone
cynical

behind these walls

when all is gone

darkness
surrounding

fear unleashed

like a demon

it feeds

screams
alive

when all is
gone
and daylight fades

i become what
no one knows

the masks i use

slowly fade

strength
stability

one by one

they come away

laughter

intelligence

until is left
a still bear soul

that no one

would recognize

when all is gone

truth remains

fear

insecurity

loneliness

cynicism

anger

neglect

in darkness

they hide

assured

of secrecy

convinced

of deception

and morning
when
comes

is all

the same

the sun
the mask

with light comes
another masquerade

hiding

beneath my skin

inside

i tremble

fear is poised

behind an empty smile

behind a hollow laugh

eyes as cold as winter

dead inside my shell

the masquerade revealed

followed

you
inside
me

i left
you
stayed

got me
by the throat

won't
you
ever
let me go?

i don't want
you
anymore

i'm done
can't you
see

if you
would leave
then
i
would be
free

can't you
see
i
don't
want
this

i don't want you
anymore

leave
me
alone

this gift
you gave

that fear
you
left

take it
just
leave

take it
with
you

i don't want
your
greed

i'm
tired
of
your
lies
of
you

following me

just
go
take
this
pain
i caused

when i
was the one
to love
to leave

but yet
you
won't let
me go

let me go
let me get on
with
my life

it is mine
you
know
or
you should

you never were
very bright

you always
tried
to
hide
it
all
from
me

and never
did i know
for sure
what i was
to do

always
hurt

the pain
you
give

the
lies
you
tell

you will never
know

how
much
how
scared i
am

and never
could i tell

because even
i
don't
know

why
the pain
the fear

you never
were man
enough
to
care

to tell me
the truth

you couldn't
stand
you
always
lied

i couldn't die
but
always
tried

you know
i couldn't
ever
make it
all myself

but why
couldn't i
leave
the fear
behind

why
am i
still
scared
of
being left

when i
was
the one

who left
you

behind

because you
were
never there

you
never
tried
always
lies

i never knew
what
was true

what
you
said
never
made sence

but i
wanted
so bad

to believe
you
to
love you

and still
i
never knew

the pain
that
would
be mine

all this time
and
still
i die

Tell me why...

Tell me why you

think that I can

and another
bittter
lie.

Some one stayed

I was left
Now I'm

afraid
abandoned.

You know I live

inside my lines,
I
pretend to give
another
care

No one sees

what's hid
away

the Autumn leaves

forever stay

Brown outside

showing
truth
they

had died
and are no
more

So am I

another
life

another sigh

another care.

Begone again
feeble
one

live in sin

die from grace.

You'll

never care
the
deepest me

I'll never share
So Runaway.

You think
you
wouldn't dare

hypocracy's
stink
above this marr

Left
alone

or so I think
ever slow

or maybe low.

Scrambled

Never world
through picture was

you a
space

place
always belonging

hope
about

dark
forgotten bottom

death
instead, the lines we meet

different without illusion

a rotten
sonnet

consider
love

Reconciliation

Sweetness,
Blue Skies.

Lovely hearts,
With emerald eyes.

Living smile,
Down I go.

Hear me now,
Far below.

Anonymous name,
That no one knows.

Things you tear,
Are things I sew.

Healing heart,
In my side.

Broken body,
No more lies.

One forgiven,
Ever loved.

You alone,
So far above.

I hide

No one knows
what I hide
myself
I died

fear
inside
alone
I try

Sweet
the sleep
but then
it slides

caring
tried
alone
It died

prophesy
fulfills
the failure
inside

why
then
do I
hide?

Fear
like chains
disguised
entangling

afraid
I fall
again
I die

failure
transposed
fear
exposed

failing
flailing
falling
inside

this fear

I live with

afraid

I grasp it

I run
I cry
I sleep
I die

Tell me why
I cry
when it's me
that hides.

Random Topics of Interest

Random Topics of Interest

This is my other blog. If you want to read my biased opinions, and find out what I'm interested in... check it out. If you're easily offended... don't.

Welcome to My Lair

I've been wanting to find a release for a while... but didn't exactly want to post my heart on my other blog (Random Topics of Interest) as I try to keep that more research and opinion oriented, and not so emotional.

Fact being I am not fond of emotions. They have their place of course.. They enhance life. But they can be a royal pain in the ass too.

That is probably why I like Data so much. He is logical, and he can deactivate his emotion chip. Lovely, huh? An emotional blog.. and I am making references to Star Trek... wow.

At any rate... I intend for this blog to consist mainly of bad poetry, rantings, and little bits of wisdom from time to time. If you happen to be desperate enough to read it... thank you.